Ron Artest Ups His Game

This is bullshit.

2 million?

For real?

Charlie Sheen has 2 million Twitter followers?

This is bullshit.

I’m way crazier than Charlie Sheen.

I used to drink Hennessy at halftime of NBA games in which I was playing.

Then I applied to work at Circuit City for the employee discount, even though I was making seven figures.

Then I wore a bathrobe to practice.

Then I asked my NBA team if I could miss the start of the season so I could promote my record label, Tru Warier. That’s pronounced “warrior”. Since I couldn’t do that, I just shaved “Tru Warier” into my hair, Anthony Mason-style.

Then I jumped into the stands at an NBA game and attacked a guy who I thought had thrown a Diet Coke at me.

Then I ran back onto the court and punched some other dude in the face. I saw no alternatives.

Then I changed my uniform number to 37, because that’s how many weeks Thriller was the #1 album on the charts.

Then I got interviewed during the playoffs and made Craig Sager shout out to the Queensbridge projects where I grew up. Then after we won the NBA championship, I thanked everybody from the hood, my doctor and my psychiatrist.

AND I ONLY HAVE 56,000 TWITTER FOLLOWERS?

I’M WAY CRAZIER THAN CHARLIE SHEEN!

I’ve gotta catch him in Twitter followers, man. I can’t have this dude outdoing me. Ooh, he tattooed the word “winning” on his wrist and got a few more thousand followers? I ain’t impressed.

So here’s my plan to pass him in followers: it’s time to turn up the ol’ crazy meter! I’ve even got some awesome ideas! Each one of these should get me at least 200,000 new followers, easy, and to be honest, I was probably gonna do most of them anyway:

-make a sex tape with Jeannie Buss and Coach Jackson

-play an entire game while wearing a monocle

-record a country album with Gwyneth Paltrow

-make a human centipede

-challenge Glenn Beck to a maniacal laughing contest

-shave “Tru Warier” into Steve Blake’s head while he’s sleeping

-watch a full episode of “Around The Horn”

-buy one of those motorcycles from Tron and ride it around LA

-bring democracy to South Korea

-wait, scratch that human centipede thing, I just found out what that actually means

-grow a Hitler mustache and tell people it’s a tribute to Michael Jordan

-prove that Pau Gasol is actually half-human, half-rooster and half-giraffe.

-enroll at BYU and live by the Honor Code for 72 hours.

-dunk Jeff Van Gundy

-throw out the first pitch at a Dodgers game without being invited to do it

-tell Lisa Salters I’m not bi-polar, I’m bi-Queensbridge!